Saturday, February 23, 2008

Babes Spill The Beans...Kayla

Babes Spill The Beans...Kayla

Dear Mom,

A very hot Thursday, my eyeballs feel sweaty. One of the things that I love best about my job is that I get to come to work in my underwear. Well, a camisol and boxer shorts, anyway. It’s been a hectic week: I chipped my front tooth, my fridge died completely, & I just found out a friend of mine is hiv+. AIDS is a trippy thing, because after all, anyone could die in a car accident at any given moment, but to move from the expectancy of living 50-70 years (i.e forever if you’re young) to ten or fifteen, is heart wrenching. Now, I love my friend and want to continue to foster our friendship, but in full knowledge that I will watch this person get sick & die. I’m trying to learn to not fear death, endings, changes…I try to enjoy life and embrace the moment, and allow myself to care. It’s a lesson I’ve learned from the cats, who also have a shorter life span than I, and whom I will nurse in old age and into death.

Speaking of change, Sue is in transition to becoming Stu. S/he is transgendered, which means that while he has a female body, he expresses/sees himself as male. He’s taking steps to be transexual, to change sex both physically and legally. This includes taking testosterone, which will deepen his voice, add muscle bulk, change his hairline & general hair growth i.e moustache, beard, chest hair, etc. In the long run he’ll have chest surgery, which costs about $7,000. Stu is just coming out to his parents and friends, and its a big process for many people.

Including me. It’s strange to be intimate with someone who is disconnected/discontent with their body. It’s great to be with someone searching to be their authenic self. It’s scary to keep an open heart when I know everything is going to be different. It’s wonderful to be with someone who is intelligent, handsome, playful, and adores me (and is monogamous). It’s amazing to feel love & being in love again. It’s hard to trust that feeling sometimes.

It’s difficult to let go of my identity as a lesbian. My new word for myself is a tranny-lesbian, a Tresbian. Get it? Trés Bien, Tresbian, ha, ha. There is division in the queer community on whether trannies belong or are “taking the easy way” and are now straight .Whatever. Certainly my views on friends, family, community and who are my allies has changed the last few years, and my world keeps expanding while getting smaller all the time. I guess its called being a grown up.

Anyway, all this was on my mind when I called yesterday, but somehow didn’t come out my mouth, so here it is on paper. I look forward to your visit and hope all is spicy good in the meantime.
All my love,
Kayla.